Klem's Top 10 Horny Billy Joel Songs
Klem knows horny when she hears it.
Big Shot (52nd Street, 1978) - This one is easy. Almost too easy. Billy has a raging boner for Bianca Jagger. She’s out there acting like she’s the bee’s knees and doing lots of cocaine. He’s all sad and lonely in a corner. He’s probably touching his butt. And he just cried into his piano.
Sometimes a Fantasy (Glass Houses, 1980) - This is another real obvi one. He’s on the phone with some chick — probably your mom — and he really wants to spank it to her. It’s like if his friend needed some relief but that friend is his own choad. He’s begging her. But like any normal person she won’t give it to him. Because he’s horny and sweaty.
Pressure (Nylon Curtain, 1982) - At this point in his career he was just writing about his dick. It was really gross. And this is just about how he can’t fap it and his balls are about to explode. He’s pre-cumming all over the place. Just loads and loads not being refused.
Everybody Loves You Now (Cold Spring Harbor, 1971) - Billy was working at like a crab shack or something and there was a girl (again, probably your mom). He wanted to dry hump in the bathroom, but she wasn’t into it. This is just him, twirling his first pube, sticking his hand in his buttcrack and sniffing it.
Zanzibar (52nd Street, 1978) - I don’t know what he’s doing in shanty town. I think he might be buying some panties to sniff. I bet he’s pretty musty. I don’t think he washes himself too often.
Easy Money (Innocent Man, 1983) - This song is about a glory hole. You can claim it’s about gambling addiction or whatever. It’s not. The only thing Billy Joel is addicted to is being horny.
Keeping the Faith (Innocent Man, 1983) - He’s just full blown horny in this one. He’s huffing on his dad’s condoms. He’s wearing Old Spice and greasing things up. He sings “I made it with…” and no one wants to hear about him going to Pound Town.
Leave a Tender Moment Alone (Innocent Man, 1983) - This song is so gross. Horniness oozes out of the speakers and drips into your ears and infects your brain. No. Just no. It feels like greased up chest hair.
I’ve Loved These Days (Turnstiles, 1976) - This song is just so vaguely horny. Every word he sings just gives off “aggressively dry jacking and crying under the bleachers at the middle school dance” vibes. Then he starts singing about cocaine and you can’t stop thinking about him naked on a velvet couch just tugging away and he’s fat and hairy and sweating profusely.
Captain Jack (Piano Man, 1973) - He sings the word “masturbate” in this song. I really have nothing more to say. It’s BILLY JOEL singing the word MASTURBATE!!! If you don’t understand why that is the worst thing to ever happen to humankind, I don’t think you should be allowed to vote.
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